Colchester United

AFC Hornchurch

COLCHESTER 6 HORNCHURCH 0
A very foggy drive up to Colchester, and if anyone tried to follow the directions on the Colchester web site, the chances are that they would end up back on the A12 and going the wrong way on a 15 mile detour. Ignore the web site, follow the A1232, then branch right at the lights, and follow the signs to Cuckoo Farm – what a delightful name for a ground. And forget about SatNav – the place does not exist according to the SatNav. A very helpful motorist stopped, told me how to get there. On arrival you are met by a yellow clad attendant who materialises out of the fog – ‘only £2 for the car park’ he says. Not a bad deal, I thought, until I realised that he was asking me to pay £2 to park, and was not selling it.

Up to the turnstile – no good, you have to go back to the ticket office where you are asked ‘home or away’ – if you say ‘eastenders’ she gets annoyed. Up to the turnstile, surely the narrowest in the entire Football League, force yourself sideways through it, and in front of you is Cuckoo Farm – more like Hogwarts, with fingers of mist and fog coming at you – somewhere up front there is a bit of green, which might be a pitch. There is nothing except a whitish yellow curtain of fog as the pitch disappears rapidly. Just why you are asked ‘home or away’ is a complete mystery, as once you are inside the ground you can go anywhere you like.

Colchester were in yellow, but they might as well have had invisibility cloaks on, they blended so well with the fog – and the white ball occasionally appeared out of the fog. Colchester started off well, kicking towards the slightly more visible end of the ground. Batchelor moved along the right wing, rounded Mark Goodfellow and played the ball low towards what is believed to be the goalmouth, and JAMIE GUY touched it into the net. The home supporters, both of them, looked at one another, then as the ball was placed on the centre spot, they realised they must have scored. Four minutes later, the ball disappeared out towards the left of the pitch – assuming there was a pitch out there, and it came over and STEVEN GILLESPIE was on hand to put it into the net.

With six first team players in the home line up, it was no surprise that they dominated proceedings, and they went three up when a weak shot from SAM CORCORAN from outside the area appeared to have been saved easily by Dale Brightly, but the ball carried on and ended up in the net. Donny Barnard was the victim of a very bad tackle, but the referee weakly waved a yellow card, when 250 Urchins were all calling for the red card. Donny played on until the interval but was then replaced by Frank Curley.

With the fog now blotting out the goals, another goal followed when the scorer was allowed far too much room – scorer not known and no tannoy announcements, and no home supporters to ask. Urchins briefly rallied and Ross Wall went close with an excellent run and shot, which was saved by Ben Gerken. The fifth goal came from a shot out on the left, the ball briefly appearing out of the fog prior to entering the net.

Half time, and the fog began to clear, though still hanging around the floodlights, but when the teams came out, it was possible to see both goals, and a large blue and white stand appeared on the far side, which was not there in the first half. Ryan Kirby came on for Andy Tomlinson who had been the victim of another bad tackle shortly before the interval.

Urchins looked more composed now that they could actually see across the pitch, and Purdie headed over from Bradley Gray’s corner. Ross Wall had the best chance when he raced through from the half way line, but miskicked and put the ball wide of the goal. Jim McFarlane made a good tackle to prevent Guy who was about to shoot, and Dale Brightly twice made good saves from first Guy and then Gillespie. A defensive error let substitute SHANE STAMP run through to fire home the sixth goal, and the closest Hornchurch came to pulling one back was when Simon Parker saw his cross deflected out for a corner.

Not a good result, with the home side much sharper all round – and they often left the defence trailing. But as their handful of supporters said – they had over half the first team out there.

Suggestion to Colchester – can we have some signposting please?

Colchester United

AFC Hornchurch